Why I converted to the Catholic faith.
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Some people have told me that my story of sexual abuse is far too candid and personal. It is indeed candid,
but I did not mention any details. The story of sexual abuse is mentioned here, because there are a lot of
people (including young people) who have experienced something similar and are ashamed of it, and
have learned that they should not talk about it. I disagree. Great healing can be found in recognition and sharing. The paradox is that many people who have been abused do not want to talk about it, while talking about it actually helps in the healing of the trauma.
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My name is Magda. I am not a cradle Catholic, but I was destined to become a Catholic since I was born.
Tiny little nun
When my mother was 8 months pregnant of me, in August 1952, there were some complications and my dad rushed her to the nearest hospital on the back of his bicycle. It happened to be a Catholic hospital run by nuns. All went well and I was born. One of the nuns dressed me in a tiny nun’s habit and carried me around the hospital, showing off the pretty little new-born nun to the patients. Our neighbors from across the street were Catholics and the lady of the house was like my second mother; we shared a great love and a bond that lasted until I left for India when I was 14. I always wanted to be a Catholic like her, I wanted to go to church and learn how to pray before meals. Of course, none of this happened, so I invented my own prayers and recited the ABC before meals. This way at least my lips looked like they were praying.
Christian imprinting
At the protestant school I attended, a minister came by every Friday afternoon to tell us stories from the Bible. I loved every minute, and can still remember some of the stories he told. As such, a lot of Christian imprinting took place until I was 12 and went to high school.
Free Masons
I come from a strange lineage. My paternal grandparents were Freemasons. They founded the first mixed lodge in the Netherlands, together with their spiritual teacher, a renowned astrologer. He taught that living a promiscuous life was to be preferred, since jealousy was the most destructive emotion, according to him, and therefore marriages should be open to welcoming multiple partners. My grandmother lived by the Bhagavat Gita, one of the Hindu scriptures and my grandfather was an expert at Tarot readings. All of them, including my parents were astrologers. My grandfather taught me about reincarnation when my grandma died, when I was 10 years old. My maternal grandmother dabbled with the Rosicrucians and served tea and coffee at their meetings.
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Yoga and meditation
When I was 12, the first Indian yogi was introduced into our family and my father taught me how to meditate. He told me to visualize a curled-up snake at the bottom of my spine, which slowly awoke and crept its way up to the top of my head. This snake is called the Kundalini, and is regarded as divine energy. Since I am a visual thinker, I would see its tongue dart in and out of its mouth. I did this type of meditation for most of my life. Two years later, when I was 14, my parents decided that I would accompany my mother to India to attend a 9 months yoga teacher’s trainings course, so I could learn a trade. I ended up staying 5 years, my mother stayed for 10 years.
Indian ashram
The guru, or spiritual head of the ashram, decided to bring me up as an Indian girl. I was formally initiated into Hinduism and was taught many ways of worship and rituals. Like daily worship at the Shiva temple, who is depicted as a phallus symbol lodged into a vulva-like structure. I was told to fast on Mondays in order to obtain a good husband, and I was required to recite a chapter of the Bhagavat Gita daily, before I was allowed to eat. Every month on the full moon I was required to recite the entire book.
Living as a monk and being abused
After about a year I was initiated into monk hood, which required me to shave my head and wear orange robes. We worked 18 hours a day, which meant cooking, cleaning, working in the office and teaching many yoga classes. The guru is equated to God in the Hindu tradition and I learned to place a human being between me and God, which I continued to do until I converted. Apart from demanding total loyalty and blind obedience in all matters, the man turned out to be a total monster. I lived through 5 years of indescribable sexual, physical and psychological abuse, including abortion. The details are too painful and embarrassing to mention here. At the time, I seemed to be able to cope with all of it, children are a lot stronger and flexible than most people suspect or know. Only in writing this story, did I connect the dots, this happened two years after my father taught me how to meditate on an awakening snake inside of me!
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Broken in the new-age
It was clear that survival was guaranteed by submission, so that’s what I did. But continually going against your true nature and your deep-rooted norms and values, will break you up. That brokenness has stayed with me all my life, and still pops up every now and then. Living in intense sin does something to you, even if the intention or the perception of it was not present. I spent the rest of my life searching for something or someone who could heal me and make me whole again, mostly in New Age spirituality. Each time I thought I had found it, I became disillusioned and continued on to the next quest. Another word for new-age is self-help. The principle is that everything comes down to you, you are the only one who can heal yourself. Many methods and techniques are on offer to achieve this, always in exchange for lots of money plus your time, devotion and dedication. When God finally called me and I was baptized, so many puzzle pieces fell into place. Without the grace of God we can do nothing. Jesus Christ became flesh and allowed Himself to be crucified, precisely for this reason. We are not equipped to resist the temptation and deceit of sin. His sacrifice has literally set us free. In the depths of the Catholic faith I began to realize that I had finally found what I was always looking for. I no longer had to put a human between me and God and serve him in order to reach God. Now all I have to do is put Jesus the Son of Man between me and God to reach Him. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me (John 14:6)
Cursed
The guru gave me a curse. He said that if I would ever leave him, I would end up in a wheelchair, like my sister. I did leave him and I never ended up physically in a wheelchair, but I remained a spiritual and emotional cripple until I welcomed Jesus and the Blessed Mother into my heart, suffering from extreme lethargy and depression for most of my life.
Yet another guru
I went back home after 5 years, plunged into all kinds of worldly pleasures, celebrating my newly found freedom. I had my beautiful girl at 24, which was the most amazing and, rewarding experience in my life, and it brought me so much joy, but my wounds weren't healed yet. Three years later I found another guru who was supposed to be the real deal and I moved to the US with my little girl. We traveled with him for 3 years, the last year being in India. He looked after us in a very different way from the first guru, making sure that we were well fed, beautifully clothed and he lavished us with jewelry (with ‘us’ I mean myself and a whole bunch of other young women). Discipline at this ashram was strict and the focus was on meditation (same snake) and studying Indian scripture. But as I grew closer to him, he turned out to be more of the same. His version of having sex with us was called ‘Tantra’, and therefor holy. I left after he died and came back to the Netherlands.
New-Age and self-help
My focus in life was always seeking God, but I was so confused, indoctrinated and easily influenced, that I mostly looked in the wrong places. And then the new-age hit me. It started with reading all the ‘Seth speaks’ books and I started to play around with the Ouija board, followed by a period of automatic writing and channeling, never knowing what I was doing and never knowing who or what I was inviting in. I would frequently seek out healers and psychics and attend Tarot readings. Without exception, I never failed to draw the devil’s card (figures!). I met an American spiritual teacher, who claimed to be enlightened. I followed and served her for 12 years. I set up her European organization, edited and helped translate her books and interpreted for her at Dutch gatherings and programs. She offered a system which promised ‘the end of suffering’. It consisted of a mental process in the form of a questioning format, to examine anything that caused you misery or pain. And similar to the Indian gurus, I placed her between me and God, and all my adoration and focus went to her. Her first biography called 'Cry in the desert', pointed towards John the Baptist and she compared herself to Jesus. I was an adept at her method and became fairly independent, traveling throughout Europe giving workshops and training programs, while making a lot of money. When she realized that I was gaining popularity, she kicked me out, and forbade people to attend my programs. I lost my entire source of income overnight and plunged into an unparalleled depression that lasted many years.
Even more new-age
I switched to another new-age teacher who talked about non-duality. The non-duality doctrine is still very popular among contemporary spiritual seekers. It basically talks about how nothing exists. There is no world, no I, no you, no free will, no God, and no nothing. Everything is a dream that you need to wake up from. They teach you that you are not the ‘doer’, that you don’t think, but are being thought. This basically relieves you of any kind of responsibility. People who have submerged themselves deeply into this, talk themselves into a kind of blissful state, which convinces them that they are enlightened, or at least approaching enlightenment. To be enlightened means to be one with God. Mixed into their theory that we all create our own reality, this basically promises you the spiritual and material jackpot. Anything is possible, and it has nothing to do with God. This whole line of thinking stems directly from one of the Hindu scriptures. I went down this rabbit hole deep enough to finally lose touch with God. I had always followed my heart in seeking Him, but I finally became convinced that He didn't exist and that we live in a sort of a random universe, where you either get lucky or not. There is nothing you can do, and prayer is futile.
Rock bottom
I think I finally hit rock-bottom and my depression was permanent, or chronic. Everything was dark. I felt old, fat and over the hill. And things were only going to get worse from here on.
During these new-age endeavors I had a conversation with my close friends Charlotte and Lee, who had already converted to Catholicism. I told them that I respected them fully and would love to hear their stories, but that I wouldn’t follow them down this road. Becoming a Christian was the furthest thing from my mind, and I truly felt above it.
One day I called Charlotte and cried out for help. She said that she was sending me a Catholic prayer. I didn’t care and was ready to do anything, as long as this darkness would go away. She sent me the Prayer of Immaculate Trust of our Lady of Tepeyac. Look it up, it is really beautiful. I prayed it many times, for many different things. Initially nothing happened, or so I thought, but after a few weeks the Our Father, which I had learned as a child, started to repeat itself in my head. I would just listen to it. It went on for weeks, in all my waking moments, and I would see images of myself being baptized. I felt puzzled, confused and embarrassed and didn’t tell anyone. After some time I decided to call a priest so I could talk to someone about it.
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The Catholic journey
Father Carlos and I spent the next year meeting weekly and just talked and prayed. I was having a very hard time with the whole Christian/Catholic thing, especially with stories of the Vatican, the pedo-priests and the popes and bishops that seemingly condoned them. The priest never judged or rebuked me, but just let me rage. I also started to attend mass and our local Bible classes. I was baptized during Pentecost, and was finally allowed to receive the Holy Communion. My dear friend Charlotte flew over to attend the ceremony and to be my Godmother.
I am always watching you
One day I was praying and contemplating our Creator. All of a sudden there was a very tangible presence near me, just to the left side of my face. It spoke and said: “I am always watching you and you always have my undivided attention.” There were lots of experiences in the beginning, mainly of falling into a very blissful state that would last for days on end. One night, the Blessed Mother came to me in a dream and told me to pray the Rosary every day. Of course, the honeymoon ended after a while, but so did the darkness.
A little miracle
The night before I was baptized, I dreamed of my father. He was just beaming and smiled a big smile. It felt like he was giving me his blessing. The day after, I was sitting at the terrace table with my kids, and all of a sudden, I noticed a tiny plastic bag on the table. I picked it up and saw that it had the handwriting of my father on it and it contained a whole bunch of tiny precious stones (which he used to collect). We were amazed and wondering where it came from, as I had never seen it before. I looked down and another bag had appeared, also filled with little stones that look like diamonds. I still have no clue what this meant, even until today, but it did give me the feeling that my father is with Jesus!
Gratitude
My life as a Catholic started to unfold. In the beginning when I would go to mass, I would just start sobbing and my whole body would tremble as tears of gratitude flowed down my cheeks. I became active in the church, doing volunteer work and became part of a wonderful community. My kids and grandson live with us, so life is pretty busy, but in the evenings, I would dive into Google and YouTube and discover all these wonderful Catholic authors, the Saints and just couldn’t stop reading and watching movies about Jesus and the apostles. I was hungry and just needed to absorb it all.
The Holy Land
Then Charlotte invited me to a trip to the Holy Land, guided by Roy Schoeman, a converted Jew, who is an excellent author and a very inspirational speaker. His YouTube channel is a testimony to that. I had already read his book called “Salvation is from the Jews” and had been listening to his Radio Maria podcasts. It is his mission to have as many Jewish people convert to the Catholic faith. I had visited Israel in 1999 with the new-age teacher, and seen many of the holy sites, but this was a whole other experience. It became the trip of a life-time. Now, when I pray my daily Rosary, I have visual memories of the all the Mysteries, which seem to deepen and enrich the prayer.
More gratitude
Words cannot express my gratitude to God for calling me back home and helping me to deepen my faith, for placing me in a community which feels like a family and for teaching me about prayer on an ongoing basis. It was such an immediate and unexpected turn of events. I have lost friends and family over my conversion to the Catholic faith. Some of them simply cannot and will not understand, and although this sometimes saddens me, I understand where they come from, having been there myself for most of my life, confused and desperately trying to make sense of this thing called ‘life’. But now I have come to understand on a very deep level, that without God’s Grace, without the Presence in the Eucharist and without our Lord Jesus Christ, life can never make sense.
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